Chess or Checkers

Most of the stress we live with isn’t caused by one big moment. It’s built slowly when we wait until life is directly in front of us before we move. A simple question from my wife while we’re driving opens a mirror for me: am I playing chess or checkers with my own life?

I break down the difference in a way that hits real life decision making, not just a board game. Checkers is reactive, one move at a time, answering whatever is right in front of you. Chess requires strategy, thinking ahead, and making intentional moves that protect what you’ll need later. That shift exposes how easy it is to let everyone else’s needs fill your schedule, your emotions, and your priorities until you’re wondering why you have nowhere left to go.

We also get honest about the deeper layer: many grown men learned to survive, read the room, and keep people happy, but were never taught to plan three moves ahead for themselves. I talk about the difference between seeking wisdom and seeking permission, how other people can respond from fear or comfort, and why growth can change your conversations and your circle. Then we break it down to practical steps: planning your day, showing up to therapy with direction, communicating in marriage before frustration turns into passive aggression, and accepting that real growth often costs comfort.

If you feel uncertain about the future, don’t assume you’re lost. You might just be growing. Listen now, then share the episode with a Scarred Son who needs it, and subscribe, rate, and review so more men can find this safe space.

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Transcript

Big Decisions Happen Before Moments

Ty 0:03

Some of the biggest decisions I've made in life weren't made in the moment. They were made long before the moment ever arrived. The problem is, I didn't always realize I was making them. That question completely changed the way I've been looking at my life. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Scarred Sons Podcast, where we dive into scars of life and the outcomes they shape. This podcast is a space for honest conversations about my journey, the lessons learned, the struggles endured, and the growth that followed. Geared towards helping other sons with scars. We'll explore topics like personal development, mental and spiritual health, and the path to becoming the best version of yourself. Let's navigate these challenges together, one story at a time. Let's dive in. The views expressed on this podcast are based on my personal experiences and insights. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional. And the content shared is not intended as a substitute for professional advice or guidance. Please consult a qualified professional for advice tailored to your specific needs. I am not responsible for any decisions or outcomes resulting from the use of this content.

A Safe Space For Scarred Sons

Ty 1:29

What's up to all my scar sons out there? I'm your host Ty. Before we dive in, I want you to know this is a safe space. I'm not here as someone who has it all figured out. I'm just a man willing to speak his truth. And if you carry scars, welcome home.

A Driving Habit Becomes A Life Mirror

Ty 1:44

The other day I was riding in the truck with my wife, and she asked me a question that seemed so random at first. She looked over and asked, Did you play chess or checkers growing up? Now the reason she asked was because she always gets on me about how I drive. When I'm driving in the right lane and there's an on ramp ahead with cars getting ready to merge, I don't move over right away. I wait, I watch, I let the situation develop before deciding what I'm going to do. She always says, You see the cars coming? Why not just move over now? I never really had an answer, but somewhere during that conversation, something clicked. Maybe this isn't just how I drive. Maybe this is how I live. How much unnecessary stress have I created because I wait until something is directly in front of me before making a move? I wait until I'm overwhelmed to protect my schedule. I wait until I'm exhausted before I rest. I wait until I'm frustrated before I speak. I wait until I'm passive aggressive before I explain how I'm feeling. I wait until life forces me to react instead of preparing before the moment arrives. That's when her question stopped being about a board game. It became about my life. Chess or checkers.

Chess Thinking Versus Checkers Living

Ty 3:17

Now both games require strategy. I'm not saying checkers is easy or that you can win without thinking. But the games ask you to see the board differently. In checkers, most of your pieces begin the same way. They move the same way. You look at what's different in front of you, make your move, and respond to what your opponent does next. Chesk as something different. Every piece has a different role. Every move affects something else on the board. You can't only think about what's in front of you. You have to think about what this move opens up, what it leaves exposed, what you may need later and where you're trying to end up. Sometimes the smartest move isn't the move that gets you something right now. Sometimes it's the move that protects what you'll need three moves from now. And that's when the question stopped being about a game.

When Everyone Else Fills Your Board

Ty 4:22

Because for a lot of my life, I think I've been playing checkers. One move at a time. Reacting to whatever piece was directly in front of me. My job needs something, move. My family needs something, move. My wife needs something, move. My business needs something, move. Someone asked for my time, move. Someone needs my help? Move. Before I knew it, my entire board was filled with everybody else's priorities. And I was wondering why I didn't have anywhere left to go. The hard part is I know where some of this came from. The world sees a 39-year-old man, it treats me like a man. It expects me to show up like a man. And that's fair. But what the world can't always see is that many of us are showing up as grown men, carrying parts of ourselves that were never fully developed. Some of us were never taught how to think three moves ahead for ourselves. We learn how to survive what was directly in front of us. We learn how to read the room. We learn how to keep people happy. We learn how to adjust. We learn how to react. We become really good at playing checkers because no one ever taught us chess. I've talked about some of those wounds before. I've named that pain. I know where some of it came from. The question isn't where it came from anymore. The question is what am I going to do with the board that's in front of me today? Because understanding why I learned to play the game this way isn't the same as choosing to keep playing

Wisdom Versus Seeking Permission

Ty 6:20

it. I'm not a little boy anymore. At some point, I have to learn a new game. One thing I realize is that I've always known how to think ahead. That has never been my problem. The challenge is, who have I been thinking ahead for? I can anticipate what my wife may need, I can think ahead for my business, I can prepare for my job. I can look at somebody else's situation and see three or four moves they could make next. But when it comes to me, that's where things become different. And this may sound crazy coming from a 39-year-old man, but I'm believing to feel like I can finally make decisions for myself. Not that I wasn't allowed to, not that someone was physically stopping me. But for a long time, before I made a move, I wanted somebody around me to tell me it was the right one. I'd have an idea, I'd think it through, I'd know exactly what I wanted to do. Then I'd take that direction to somebody else. Does this make sense? What do you think? Would you do it? Now don't misunderstand me. There's nothing wrong with seeking wisdom. Chess players don't become great by refusing to learn from other people. But there's a difference between seeking wisdom and seeking permission. I was reminded of that while listening to my niece's commencement ceremony. The commencement speaker, Dr. Newby of Norfolk, Virginia, says something that stayed with me. Now these aren't his exact words, but this is what I heard. Don't give other people power over things you already know you're capable of doing. Because when you take your dreams, your ideas, and your next move to other people, they don't always respond from where you're standing. Sometimes they respond from their own fears, their own insecurities, their own limitations. Some people truly love you and simply want to protect you. Others may become uncomfortable watching you move beyond where they've chosen to stay. Your growth has a way of shining a light on places they've stopped growing. Not because you're trying to. It just happens. I'm learning that I can't build my future based on everybody else's comfort. That doesn't mean I stop listening. That doesn't mean I become arrogant. That doesn't mean every idea I have is a good one. It simply means I have to stop confusing outside opinions with permission. Because if I've studied the board, if I've prayed about the move, and if I've counted the cost, then at some point I have to move my own piece.

Planning Your Day Therapy And Marriage

Ty 9:28

So what does playing chess actually look like in my life? For me, it starts before the day ever begins. I'm learning to write down what I need to accomplish instead of hoping I'll remember it all. Holding myself accountable. Instead of arriving at the end of the day frustrated, replaying everything I didn't get done. I used to in my days asking, what happened? Now I'm asking, what was the plan? Because there's no confusion about where I'm trying to go. The goals are set. That's no longer the difficult part. Execution still has its challenges, but when the vision is clear, the next step becomes easier to recognize. Make no mistake, some roads will be closed, some plans won't work. But when I know where I'm going, I don't panic when I hit a detour. I simply find another way forward. Chess also means showing up to therapy differently. When I first started therapy, I came in with an agenda. I knew what I wanted to work on. Lately, I've become too relaxed. I've been allowing my therapist to lead the conversation instead of setting the tone myself. And isn't that interesting? Even there, I've been letting someone else steer. Not because I'm incapable, but because I stopped taking ownership of where I needed to go. The same has been true in my marriage. I realize I have to be more forthcoming with my wife about where I am emotionally. Not after I've become passive aggressive. Before. I don't just ask her to give me grace. I invite her into my healing. I tell her what's happening inside of me. I ask for feedback. I ask how can we navigate those moments together? That's not weakness, that's leadership. Because playing chess isn't about controlling every move. It's about making intentional moves before life forces your hand.

The Cost Of Growth And Alignment

Ty 11:43

One thing I've learned about chess is that not every move comes without a cost. Sometimes the best move on a board requires you to sacrifice a piece. Not because the piece wasn't valuable, but because letting it go gives you a better chance of winning the game. Life works the same way. Some of the moves I made have cost me more than I ever imagined. There are still moves ahead of me that are going to cost even more. That's the part nobody really prepares you for. The cost of growth doesn't disappear. As long as I continue to grow, I'll continue to leave something behind. Some people won't make it into every chapter of my life. Not because they're bad people, but because every season doesn't require the same players. New people will enter, new opportunities will come, old interests will quietly fade away. I used to be all in on sports. I could tell you who's playing, who got traded, who won. I could sit around and talk about it for hours. Today, I'm much more interested in building a better life. I'm thinking about my marriage, my business, my faith, my peace, and my future. Because of that, there are moments where I actually feel out of place. I'll be around a group of men talking about sports, and I don't have much to add anymore. Not because I'm better than anybody, not because sports are bad. My interests have simply changed, because my priorities have changed. For a while, that made me wonder if something was wrong with me. Now I see it differently. Growth has a way of changing your conversations, and when your conversations change, sometimes your circle does too. I don't believe God is pulling me away from people because I'm better than them. I think he's creating a filter, not to isolate me, but to introduce me to people who are growing in the same direction. People who challenge me, people who sharpen me, people who understand why I'm chasing the things I'm chasing. That's not rejection, that's alignment. Growth doesn't just add to your life, it asks something from it. Sometimes it asks for comfort. Sometimes it asks for familiarity. Sometimes it asks you to say goodbye to a version of your life that you genuinely loved, and that's okay, because every season I've been afraid to step into eventually became a season I couldn't imagine living without. New people found me, new opportunities stretched me, and somehow God had already prepared the space before I ever arrived. So if the future feels uncertain, don't assume you're lost. You might just be growing. Although I can't control the whole board,

Faith The Board And The Next Move

Ty 14:57

I can always control my next move. And my responsibility is to make sure that move is aligned with God's will. Proverbs 6.9 says, In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. I've had a lot of plans, I've had a lot of ideas, a lot of timelines, moments where I thought I knew exactly what should happen next. And time after time, God has shown me there was still something he wanted to develop in me first. Sometimes I wasn't ready. Sometimes I was distracted. Sometimes I was too focused on arriving that I forgot he was still preparing me. I think back to graduating college. I had the confidence, I had the paperwork that said I was qualified. But employer after employer kept asking me the same question. Where's your experience? At the time, it was frustrating. Today I understand it. Knowledge opened the door. Experience prepared me to stay in the room. I believe our walk with God works much the same way. He isn't just preparing me to receive the blessing, he's preparing me to carry it. Because receiving something you're not prepared to steward can become a burden instead of a blessing. I don't have to see every move because I know the one who already sees the whole board.

Mirror Moment One Intentional Move

Ty 16:39

Let's take a quick break right here. I know I normally put the mirror moment more in the center of the episode, but this one kind of flowed better towards the end. So let's dive into it. The mirror moment is a space where we slow down and take an honest look at the man in the mirror. No distractions, no pressure, just reflection. Look at the man in the mirror. What area of your life are you still playing checkers? Where have you been reacting instead of preparing? Where are you waiting when you already know your next move? This week, don't try to change the whole board. Just make one intentional move, one conversation, one decision, one boundary, one act of obedience. Move your peace. Thank you for listening to this week's mirror moment. Let's get back to the episode.

Closing Encouragement And Listener Challenge

Ty 17:41

My hope is that this conversation reminded you that healing isn't just about understanding where you've been. You don't have to control the whole board. You don't have to have every answer. You don't have to know every move. Just trust God with the board and be faithful with your next move. Thank you for spending this time with me. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with another Scarred Son who may need it. Leave a rating, leave a review, or send me a message. I'd love to hear what move you're making this week, and where you're choosing to stop playing checkers and start playing chess. Until next time, keep healing, keep growing, and keep believing that your scars are a part of your story, not the end of it. Peace and love. Thank you for joining me on the Scarred Sons podcast. Remember, every scar tells a story, and every story has the power to inspire growth. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to reach out and share your journey. Don't forget to stay up to date with the podcast by liking, commenting, and subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also follow us on Instagram at ScarredPeriodSons for more content and updates. Until next time, keep moving forward, keep healing, and remember scars don't define you, they shape you. Stay strong, and I'll see you in the next episode. Peace.