What Does It Mean to Deal With It?

“Deal with it” might be the most common advice men get and the least explained. I’m Ty, and I’m putting honest words to what happens when you’ve been carrying trauma, mistakes, family pain, and silent pressure for years, then someone tells you to fix it with a sentence. If you’re a scarred son who stays moving because sitting still makes you spiral, you’re not crazy, you’re trying to survive. The question is how to heal without getting stuck and without running. 

We talk about the heavy reality behind the headlines, especially Black men harming themselves or others, and how feeling unseen can push people toward dark thoughts. I share why “reach out” doesn’t always land, why love has to be felt, and why consistency matters when someone’s vulnerability has been used against them. “Dealing with it” isn’t a single tactic. It’s learning to face what you’re carrying, give it the right space, and keep choosing forward motion that isn’t driven by pain. 

We also get into belief before proof, pulling from John 20:29, and how faith and self-belief can create the possibility of change when you don’t see results yet. Then we slow down for a mirror moment: are you avoiding it, drowning in it, or finding a way to face it and still move forward? I open up about strained relationships with my parents, the decision to detach, and the hard work of reopening communication with grace, while also learning to embrace support beyond blood. 

If you’ve ever felt alone in a crowded room, this one’s for you. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more scarred sons can find a place to breathe and heal.

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Transcript

What Does “Deal With It” Mean

Ty 0:00

I've been hearing the phrase deal with it, being spoken to a lot of scar sons or those that people feel are in need of some type of therapy. They say deal with your past, deal with your trauma, deal with your mistakes, deal with your reality. But I don't think we really understand what that means. Because for me, I've been dealing with it. And the only way I knew how is by moving, by working, by staying busy, by focusing on what's in front of me. And at the same time, I've been told, sit still, feel it, don't run from it. So now I'm asking, what does it actually mean to deal with it? Welcome to the Scarred Sons Podcast, where we dive into scars of life and the outcomes they shape. This podcast is a space for honest conversations about my journey, the lessons learned, the struggles endured, and the growth that followed. Geared towards helping other sons with scars. We'll explore topics like personal development, mental and spiritual health, and the path to becoming the best version of yourself. Let's navigate these challenges together, one story at a time. Let's dive in. The views expressed on this podcast are based on my personal experiences and insights. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and the content shared is not intended as a substitute for professional advice or guidance. Please consult a qualified professional for advice tailored to your specific needs. I am not responsible for any decisions or outcomes resulting from the use of this content. What's up to all my scarsons out there? I'm your host Ty. Before we dive in, I want you to know this is a safe space. I'm not here as someone who has it all figured out. Just a man willing to speak his truth. And if you carry scars, welcome home.

Pain, Silence, And Breaking Points

Ty 1:54

I've been seeing things on the news lately. Black men harming themselves, and in some cases harming others. I'm not saying I know exactly why, but pain plays a role, confusion plays a role, and not knowing how to deal with what you're carrying also has to play a role. Because I've had moments where I didn't know what to do with what I was feeling. I've dealt with thoughts that I didn't even fully understand. Thoughts of wanting out. Not because I didn't want to live, because I didn't want to feel what I was feeling anymore. And when you combine that with pressure, responsibilities, expectations, and silence, it gets heavy. One of the hardest parts is feeling like nobody sees you. You can be around people and still feel alone. And in those moments, it's natural to want someone to come to you. Your people, the ones you expect to notice, the ones you hope will check in. But the reality is, sometimes they don't. Not always because they don't care, but because they're carrying their own weight. And in some cases, they just don't show up at all. And that hurts. There's something else I've been thinking about. I don't think people really sit with these conversations until something happens, until someone makes a decision that affects people. Then it becomes how did this happen? What went wrong? What could have been done? But before that moment, we don't always pay attention. I don't have all the answers here. I don't know exactly how to close the gap. But I do know this. Speaking on it matters. Building awareness matters. Even if it's one step, it's a step in the right direction. This isn't one of those episodes where I'm saying, reach out. Don't carry it alone. Go talk to somebody. Because sometimes that doesn't land. This is different.

Why Love Has To Be Felt

Ty 4:09

This is I see you. This is I understand more than you think. This is me coming to you. On whatever level I need to meet you. Because telling a scar, son, I love you, think about your decisions, don't do that. That can fall flat. Not because it's not true, but because it hasn't been felt and that matters. Because before anything else, we have to feel like you care. Not hear it, but feel it. And if someone has had their experiences used against them, whether it be judged, dismissed, or weaponized, then it's different now. Now it's not just about hearing you. You have to prove yourself. Consistency matters. Showing up matters. Because a lot of scar sons walk around feeling like nobody understands them. Like nobody relates. Like nobody really cares. And the reason it feels that way is because those actions haven't been shown consistently. People say get up. And there's help out there. There are people, there are resources. But in those moments, that's not always the first thing on your mind. You're overwhelmed, you're in your head, you're trying to make sense of everything. And reaching out can just feel like too much.

Movement Vs Stillness In Healing

Ty 5:53

So when people say deal with it, what does that actually mean? It doesn't mean one thing. It's not just sitting still, it's not just staying busy. It's learning. Learning how to face what you're carrying without letting it consume you. When I hear people say deal with it, sorta reminds me of like some of my older generation when they tell you, Oh, you'll learn one day and you'll you'll thank me later. A lot of these things are like moments and nuggets that you capture later on in life, but never really helps you in the moment. There's a part of me that needs to move. Because if I sit too long, I start to spiral. So I work, I stay busy, I stay focused. Movement helps me function, but at the same time, if all you do is move, you never process anything. You never sit with it, you never understand it, you never release it, so it just stays there. I guess to me dealing with it means acknowledging what's real, giving it space when needed, and not letting it control your actions. It's not about getting stuck in your pain, and it's not about running from it either. It's about facing it and still choosing to move

Belief Before You See Change

Ty 7:27

forward. There's a scripture that I think is appropriate for this that I want to share with you. It's John chapter twenty, verse twenty nine. A scripture also got from my brother Cedric. Shouts out to you, bro. It reads Then Jesus told him, You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me. That verse stood out to me because it's bigger than belief in God. It's about belief when you don't have proof. Most of us wait until we see something change before we can believe it. Just like we talked about in the past episode, episode twenty two, titled This Might Be Why Nothing Changes. But this is saying the opposite. This verse is saying there's something powerful about believing before you see anything. And even if you're not there yet in your faith, this still applies. Because as Scar Sons, we at least have to believe in ourselves, especially in moments of doubt, despair, confusion, and feeling overwhelmed. Because if you don't believe things can change, you won't even try. Belief creates possibility of change. This feels like a good time to pause for the mirror moment.

Mirror Moment Self Check

Ty 8:49

So let's dive in. The mirror moment is a space where we slow down and take an honest look at the man in the mirror. No distractions, no pressure, just reflection. Look at the man in the mirror. How are you dealing with what you're carrying? Are you avoiding it? Are you drowning in it? Or are you finding a way to face it and still move forward? What do you need right now? Is it movement, stillness, or someone to talk to? And are you willing to take a step toward that? Thank you for listening to this week's mirror moment. Let's get back to the episode. It's not about having it all figured out. It's about being honest enough to recognize where you are. And I'm still learning that myself. Let's let's have a real talk real quick. I mean this is all real, but I I really wanna I really feel like I should release this to you. Bro, scarred son, scarred daughter, whoever may be listening. I know I said this in previous episodes, but I don't feel like I can say it enough. This world needs you, your family needs you, no matter where your relationships are, no matter what happened, you belong. There is a space for you. Moving forward without you is the furthest thing from your people's mind.

Detaching From Family Then Returning

Ty 10:20

And I had to sit with something myself. I decided to detach. And I wasn't always 100% vocal about what I was doing to those that I was detaching from. So I had to ask myself, if I left, why would I expect anybody to know how to run to my aid? That took time for me to understand. It took work to open my mind up enough to see another side of the story. I don't hate my family. I haven't written them off. I can never do that. Instead, I opened the lines of communication back up, welcoming my mother and father back into my life. But here's the tough part Extending grace and patience, that's difficult. I can feel like I'm back now, so let's fix this. But I can't expect anyone to move on my timeline. I was led to open back up. Now I have to allow time for things to come around. Your story may not look like mine, but I'm also sure we have something in common. So I need you to dig deeper than the surface. Forget for a moment, everything that's going on right now, you got this. I'll never tell you it will be easy, but I will tell you it can be worth it. You deserve the desires of your heart, but the path to those desires may have detours, road closures, no U-turns, and no turn on red. So allow yourself to be led, fall back from always trying to steer. Build a relationship with God, not religion, but a relationship. Because dealing with it doesn't mean carrying it alone. Sometimes it means fully trusting God enough to lead you through it. You're still here for a reason. Don't give up now. If you don't receive anything else from this episode, if none of this fully clicks yet, let me just tell you who I am. I'm a scarred son. And to this day, I'm still trying to deal with it.

Building Support Beyond Blood

Ty 12:48

I don't like the relationship I have with my mother. We should be close. We should be loving on each other, communicating, being active in each other's lives. There was a time of my life where I talked to my mother every single day, from when I moved out of my grandparents' house until I became an adult. And now it's not like that. I have a father, and I don't enjoy that relationship right now either. He's not there for me emotionally or physically. And it doesn't stop there. There are family members close and far that I don't even speak to. So I can see you, Scar Son. Especially those of you who feel like your own blood doesn't check for you unless you check for them. That's frustrating. And I get it. 100%. So now I've had to make a decision to turn to the people who open their arms to me. I've got brothers that I don't share blood with who check on me more than family. And I'm not saying this to call anybody out. I'm saying this so you know I feel it too. Because when your foundation feels like it's gone, you don't have a choice. You have to build your own. And you have to embrace the people who showed up along the way. This life is hard, but God can be your father if you allow him. He can guide the right people to you. People who support you, people who check on you, people who actually see you. But one of my biggest hurdles was letting go of what I thought it should look like. I wanted it to be my family. I wanted it to be the faces I knew. I wanted it to be my blood. And holding on to that blinded me. Blinded me to the people who were already in front of me. People who were ready to support me, lift me up, and walk with me. But I couldn't see them because I was focused on what I wanted instead of what I needed. And maybe that's where you are right now, looking for it to come from certain people. When the help you need is already in front of you. Trust me, you're not as alone as you think. You don't have to have all the answers, but you do have to be honest about where you are. Because dealing with it isn't about doing it perfectly. It's about not ignoring it and finding a way to keep going without losing yourself in the process. I understand some days are harder than others, and I understand the people that I told you are there, you may just can't see right now. Please do the best you can to dig a little bit deeper to know that you are here for a reason. And your time has not expired yet. Because your purpose has yet to be fulfilled.

Offer Guidance Not Just “Deal With It”

Ty 15:55

Just one last thought. To all them people out there that are telling scarred sons and scarred daughters, just deal with it. You gotta deal with it. You gotta deal with this, you gotta deal with that. Only way you're gonna get here is you gotta deal with this. If you can offer any type of guidance other than just deal with this, I think that would be more appreciative of just pointing out a problem with no solution. A resource is great, but pointing a scarred son in a direction while he's already feeling alone, feels like you're just rerouting him. Feels like you're just telling him to go do something on his own again, like he hasn't already been doing that before. If you're gonna find the time to tell a scarred son to deal with it, offer a little more to make sure he gets the help he needs. If you're capable. If not, I understand. In many cases, deal with it doesn't tell us much. And if you haven't been through certain things, it's kind of hard for you to be able to relate or understand what's what a scar son is truly dealing with. It's easy to try to judge a book by its cover without even cracking it open. And that's essentially what we're doing when we tell a scarred son to deal with this pain, deal with his trauma with no guidance. I understand, just like there's not a book to raise a child, there's not many books out there to tell you exactly what to do for your specific child. There are plenty books out there as references. But this is very similar. Yes, there may be books on different things and strategies you can do, but a scarred son that's been traumatized or that's been abandoned or that's been what he feels forgotten about, just telling him to deal with it is just not enough. If we care enough about him, that's not what's gonna move the needle for him. We'll continue this conversation next Sunday at 8 a.m. Lord willing. Peace and love. Thank you for joining me on the Scarred Sons podcast. Remember, every Scar tells a story, and every story has the power to inspire growth. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to reach out and share your journey. Don't forget to stay up to date with the podcast by liking, commenting, and subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also follow us on Instagram at ScarredPeriodsons for more content and updates. Until next time, keep moving forward, keep healing, and remember scars don't define you, they shape you. Stay strong, and I'll see you in the next episode. Peace.