Approaching 40… Healing 20-Year-Old Wounds

You can do everything “right” and still feel the punch of a coming birthday whispering, You should be further by now. I sit with that feeling as I get closer to 40, not to spiral into regret, but to name what’s real: the gap between where we are and where we expected to be can turn into pressure, comparison, and self-criticism if we let it.

We dig into the difference between being behind and simply being off your own timeline. I share how I used to replay mistakes, missed opportunities, and broken relationships until I ended up in a dark mental loop, and what changed when I stopped tearing myself down. I also bring in Psalm 57, written while David is hiding in a cave, to show what steady faith and emotional resilience can look like even when the situation stays uncertain.

Then we get practical. A direct deposit mistake becomes a real-life test of anxiety, money stress, and self-control, and it turns into a lesson about peace, protection, and perspective. From there, we zoom out into personal development and accountability: if your dreams, goals, and purpose matter, does your daily schedule actually align with them? Whether you’re spiritual or not, you can measure your habits, time management, and consistency against the life you say you want to build.

If you’ve been feeling late, stuck, or haunted by “woulda, coulda, shoulda,” this is your reminder to take the lesson and drop the regret. Subscribe, share this with a Scarred Son who needs it, and leave a review with the age milestone that challenges you most.

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This podcast is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you need help, please seek support from a licensed mental health provider.

Transcript

Measuring Life Against Expectations

Ty 0:00

There comes a point where you stop looking at the work and you start looking at your life, what you've built, what you haven't, what you thought would look different by now. And if I'm being real, as I'm getting closer to 40, I've had moments where I sat there and thought, Man, I thought I'd be further than this.

What Scarred Sons Stands For

Ty 0:20

Welcome to the Scarred Sons Podcast, where we dive into scars of life and the outcomes they shape. This podcast is a space for honest conversations about my journey, the lessons learned, the struggles endured, and the growth that followed, geared towards helping other sons with scars. We'll explore topics like personal development, mental and spiritual health, and the path to becoming the best version of yourself. Let's navigate these challenges together, one story at a time. Let's dive in. The views expressed on this podcast are based on my personal experiences and insights. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and the content shared is not intended as a substitute for professional advice or guidance. Please consult a qualified professional for advice tailored to your specific needs. I am not responsible for any decisions or outcomes resulting from the use of this content. What's up to all my scarsons out there? I'm your host, Ty. Before we dive in, I want you to know this is a safe space. I'm not here as someone who has it all figured out. Just a man willing to speak his truth. And if you carry scars, welcome

Regret Loops And Reframing Behind

Ty 1:22

home. This isn't even about the work anymore. Now it's about time. About getting older, quietly measuring your life against expectations. I thought I'd have more saved by now. I thought I'd own something by now. I thought I'd feel more stable by now. Not things we always say out loud, trust me, that wasn't the easiest for me to get out, but things we definitely feel. It's not just where I am, it's where I thought I'd be. In that gap, that's where all that pressure lives. Not in my reality, but in the expectations I've been carrying. And if I'm being real, that's where my mind starts going. Especially when I know 40's right around the corner. Mistakes I've made, opportunities I didn't capitalize on, relationships that just didn't work out. I got all these woulda, coulda, shulda's stories and things I've I could say. And when I fall into these modes, I start replaying everything. Trying to figure out where exactly did I go wrong and what decisions started this spiral. And before I know it, I'm falling into a space of regret. I'm falling into this dark, deep black hole of man, you did this wrong, man, you did that wrong, man, you did this wrong. You could have done that. I'm about to turn 39 and I've had those moments looking at what I don't have yet. What still feels unfinished. What I thought would already be in place. But here's the difference now. I'm not tearing myself down for it. I can sit with it and still respect where I am. What if you're not behind? What if we're not behind? And we're just not where we expected to be. Because those are two different things. Being behind and not being where you're expected to be. And I feel like a lot of us confuse the two. I can be working, learning, building, and still feel behind. Just because life didn't follow my timeline. But that doesn't mean I'm failing. It might just mean life didn't happen on schedule. At least the schedule I had in

Psalm 57 And Confidence Under Pressure

Ty 3:25

my mind. So instead of sitting in regret, I'd rather shift my focus. I was shared a verse that I'm gonna read to you or go through with you by a dear brother of mine. I'm thankful for this brother. And so this the scripture reads like this David wrote this while hiding in a cave, running for his life, under pressure, uncertain about what was next. In Psalm 57, verse 1, in the New Living Testament, he says, Have mercy on me, O God. I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until danger passes by. He wasn't acting like everything was okay. He was honest about where he was. Then in verses three and four, he talks about being surrounded by danger. Real pressure, real fear. But what stands out is this. By the time you get to verse 7, he says, My heart is confident in you. Oh God, my heart is confident. His situation didn't change. His posture didn't either. And I bring this up because I too was met with a situation where I could have easily lost

Direct Deposit Mistake And Unexpected Peace

Ty 4:27

my cool. It was on me. I made the mistake. I missed some numbers on my direct deposit. And you know, if those numbers aren't correct, money doesn't just show up anyway. I feel like this is the coolest I've ever been in this moment. I've had plenty of money situations in the past that completely wrecked my day. Completely through, threw me off, had me frustrated, had me cursing and doing all kinds of craziness. But this time I felt a sense of peace and I felt a sense of calm because I thought about the situation further, and I'm thinking, man, if that direct deposit came, I wouldn't have done what I was supposed to do with all of those funds. And so I thank God for allowing me to make this mistake to save me some heartache down the road. Because I definitely was on the brink of doing a couple of extra things that wasn't in the plan. And that's what made me think about this. Because God wasn't just present when things got better, he was a refuge while things still felt uncertain. And maybe that's the reminder for you. You don't have to wait for life to line up to find your footing. You can be steady right where you are. I could have easily done plenty of other things, but I knew God was going to take care of the situation. Even though I made

Lessons Over Regret And Slowing Down

Ty 5:35

a mistake, I knew he was protecting me from something I didn't even know about. Let's be real. You can believe in God and still feel behind. You can be working hard and still question your position in this life. That tension doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. I'd rather you think about the lessons you've learned. Take into consideration the blessings you have around you because a lot of them we overlook. We move too fast, we stay in our heads, and we miss what actually is sitting in front of us. Slow down, look at your life with intention. Make sure you're not missing what's already there. And from there, let's focus on what you do have and the direction you can go from here. That will actually move you forward towards your goal. Because this isn't about going back and fixing everything, it's about moving forward with what you've learned.

Mirror Moment Self Check On Timelines

Ty 6:23

I feel like this is a good moment for us to pause and jump into the mirror moment. So let's stop here for the mirror moment for this week. The mirror moment is a space where we slow down and take an honest look at the man in the mirror. No distractions, no pressure, just reflection. Look at the man in the mirror. Are you behind? Or are you just measuring your life against a timeline that was never guaranteed? Who told you you were supposed to be further by now? And if you've made it this far, through everything you've carried, everything you figured out on your own, or was led to do? Does that sound like a man who was failing? Thank you for listening to this week's mirror moment. Let's get back to the episode. Before

Align Daily Actions With Your Goals

Ty 7:15

we move further, I just want you to understand approaching a number is just that. In most cases, we look around us and we see certain things are going, certain people are hitting certain marks or accomplishing certain things in life, and we immediately go to our own situation and question everything with the why. Why am I so behind on this? Why don't I have that? Why can't I do this? Why can't I go there? My thinking now has been more of what am I missing? What exactly haven't I completed yet? What haven't I accomplished yet? What haven't I done yet? What haven't I changed yet? That's keeping me away from the things I know that's destined for me. What exactly in my day am I doing that's taking away time or energy from what can propel me to what I'm actually looking to do? Because these things that we want, most of the time we've gotten some kind of a voice or we've gotten some kind of internal vision or idea that went off in our heads about something that we feel very passionate about. It's not that you shouldn't be able to do those things, but something's missing. We're not quite ready, we're not quite prepared. And so I look at it from a standpoint of God knows what I can bear, and I just don't have enough of what I need to get to the next level yet. There's a couple other things I need to grow into or that I need to work on in order for those blessings to be bestowed upon me. And if you go a little deeper, you can ask yourself, Am I in alignment with God's will for what my destination is? Have I done the things that I know he wants me to do or I know I should be doing? If I sit back and look at my situation outside of myself and just view what I do in a day, everything I do from when I wake up or when I go back to sleep. If you're not a spiritual being, if you if you don't do the religion thing, there's no harm, no foul here. Even if you strip religion and spiritual, your beliefs, whatever, if you even if you take all of that away, look at what you do when you wake up in the morning until you go to bed at night. And you can see clearly if your daily actions is in alignment with where you're saying you want to go. If you're saying you want to earn a certain amount of money, or if you're saying you want to be able to do certain things, go on certain trips, obtain certain tangibles or intangibles, looking at the 24 hours you have been given, or that you are living through, however, you want to, you know, however you want to perceive that. If you take a look at that and really look at what you're doing in the 24 hours you had yesterday, and line it up to whatever your desires, dreams, and aspirations are on the right. Can you draw straight lines, diagonal lines? Can you make any connections to both paths? And you can clearly see if your path that you're on will ever intersect your aspirations, your visions, your dreams, and the things that you want to accomplish in this life. And I'm sure I don't even need to tell you anything else other than what I just said for you to understand what I'm getting at. I'm not here to be the dead horse, and I'm not here to make nobody feel bad about themselves, but we have to take some accountability for what we're given and how we're using what we're given to get to wherever we're trying to go. That's just a plain, simple, you don't have to be spiritual, you don't have to have a religious belief to understand that. And I just want us to understand how you spend your time is how you live your life. They go hand in hand. You can't say you want to do something and your actions are doing something different and be mad if you don't get the outcome of the result that you've always been looking for or wishing for. That it just doesn't work that way.

Awareness Without Getting Stuck

Ty 11:07

And so if you're listening to this and you feel like time is running out, I want to shift something for you. Time is not running out, you're just becoming more aware of it. And I know when those milestones come around, man, I'm about to be 21, I'm about to be 30, I'm about to be 40, I'm about to be 50, oh my God, I'm 65, and I don't have this, I don't have that. Ah, I'm 70 and I still ain't got these certain things. Now, I don't want to get ahead of myself and speak like I know what it is to be 60, 70, 50, 40, because I'm clearly not there yet. But you can still take that formula I just gave you, and that's gonna tell you what you need to do. Awareness can either pressure you or ground you. There's nothing wrong with pausing and reflecting on your life. In fact, it's highly necessary. That's how you grow, that's how you become aware. At the same time, you don't want to get stuck there because if you sit in your mistakes too long, they start to feel bigger than your progress. And that's not your full story. You've made mistakes, yes, but you've also learned. You've had things not work out, but you've also grown from them. So instead of carrying regret and carrying the lesson, let the lesson guide you, not the regret. And as you move forward, stay engaged in your life. Don't disconnect just because things didn't go how you planned. Don't check out just because you feel behind. Stay present, stay aware, stay intentional. Because the life you're building is still happening right now. Not back then, not when everything comes together. Right now. So embrace where you are, take what you learned, and keep moving. You don't have to rewrite your past, just walk forward with more awareness. No regrets, just lessons. You're not late, you're living a life that didn't follow a script. And maybe that's exactly how it was supposed to happen. The man you're becoming still has time to build something real. It's not over because the calendar says that you're a certain age. It doesn't end that way. And I want you to know as long as you have life, as long as you're breathing, there's something you can contribute to your own life to create meaning and purpose.

Grace Healing And A New Beginning

Ty 13:36

Even though I'm not quite 40, it is coming around the corner. I do have a lot of things that I'm still healing from 20 years ago. However, I'm not gonna let none of that stop my progression. I'm not gonna let any of that stop my growth. I'm not going to allow any of those moments, past traumas, experiences, relationships, get me down to the point where I can't move forward. I've taken accountability, I've forgiven, I moved on. Some people have come with me, a lot of others haven't. But what about what I need to continue to go forward? That's what this life is about. It's not about hovering over what you did wrong, hovering over the seasons, the people in your life changing. It does hurt, it does make me feel a certain way. But I have to make peace with those things in order for me to get to the purpose that I'm here for. I have to be able to align myself with what God has for me. If I continue to reach backwards, not taking accountability, not giving grace, not forgiving, and just mad at the world for how things turned out, friendships, relationships, all of these things you heard me speak about. If you've been rocking with me this long, you know exactly what I'm what I'm talking about and what I'm speaking to. So if you if you don't, it's all out there. So just start from episode one or just follow the title, read the description, jump in where you want. But I say that to say I know there's some scar sons out there that are allowing their past to dictate who they are and what they will become because of what was what their minds were poisoned with. But I'm here to let you know there is always a new beginning that you can start right now. And it doesn't always have to mean that you gotta pick up and move or you gotta become this different version of you, or that you have to recreate everything, everything has to be brand new. No, embrace that verse that version of you that built the man that you look in the mirror at today. Embrace that. All of those mishaps, all of those bad situations, good situations, great memories still exist with those people. Just because they're not here with me right now doesn't mean they don't matter. I just have a different way of honoring them. And I want you to know the same thing. Lean on the good memories, the positive memories, whatever you need to do to get you into a positive mindset. I don't want you sinking so deep down that you start questioning if you're supposed to be here. Or you start questioning what your purpose is. But I'm saying all of this to say, Scar Son, stay with us. Scar Son, give yourself grace, be patient with yourself on this journey. You do not have to have it all figured out. Just keep trying. Continue to heal, continue working on yourself and control what you can control. Whatever you can't control, whatever is outside of your means, your wheelhouse of controlling, it's not for you to worry about. Matter of fact, we're not supposed to be worrying about anything. But I'll save that for a different episode.

Closing Thanks And How To Connect

Ty 16:52

Thank you so much for coming back and listening to this episode, to this podcast. I invite you to come back and join me next Sunday at 8 a.m. where we'll continue the conversation. Peace and love. Thank you for joining me on the Scarred Sons podcast. Remember, every Scar tells a story, and every story has the power to inspire growth. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to reach out and share your journey. Don't forget to stay up to date with the podcast by liking, commenting, and subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also follow us on Instagram at ScarredPeriodSons for more content and updates. Until next time, keep moving forward, keep healing, and remember scars don't define you, they shape you. Stay strong, and I'll see you in the next episode. Peace.