The Pause Before Change

What if the bravest change isn’t a bold move, but a deliberate pause? We open up about the strange, quiet space that follows a hard line in the sand: naming the man we refuse to become. The surprising truth is that life doesn’t instantly transform; awareness does. From that awareness comes a different kind of power—the ability to catch old patterns in motion and choose presence over performance.

We get honest about the hardest skill of all: saying no without a paragraph of excuses. Boundaries aren’t weapons; they’re containers for peace. You’ll hear how explanations can turn into exits, how keeping a clean no builds self-trust, and why consistency compounds like interest. Inside marriage, the pause becomes a practice—asking questions before reacting, seeking context over control, and responding from the adult self rather than the wounded child. Emotional intelligence here is practical: breathe, clarify, and speak when steady.

We also explore how structure and community keep the old self from reclaiming center stage. Therapy, accountability, and supportive relationships act like mirrors, reflecting who we are and who we’re becoming. And for the scarred son without a village yet, we offer simple starting points: journaling to move pain out of the body, long walks to clear mental noise, and small daily reps that turn into real change. You may not know who you’re becoming, and that’s okay. Growth isn’t a costume change; it’s staying present without needing certainty, learning to pause without disappearing, and choosing presence one decision at a time.

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Transcript

Opening Pause And Purpose

Ty 0:00

After I named the man I refused to become, I didn't step into something new right away. What came first was a pause, not a pause of clarity or confidence, just some space where old reactions used to live. I'm now realizing that sometimes change doesn't start with action. It starts with sitting in the pain and the traumas of your past without rushing to escape them or letting them define the rest of your life. Let's talk

Safe Space And Disclaimers

Ty 0:24

about it. Welcome to the Scarred Sons Podcast, where we dive into scars of life and the outcomes they shape. This podcast is a space for honest conversations about my journey, the lessons learned, the struggles endured, and the growth that followed. Geared towards helping other sons with scars. We'll explore topics like personal development, mental and spiritual health, and the path to becoming the best version of yourself. Let's navigate these challenges together, one story at a time. Let's dive in. The views expressed on this podcast are based on my personal experiences and insights. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and the content shared is not intended as a substitute for professional advice or guidance. Please consult a qualified professional for advice tailored to your specific needs. I am not responsible for any decisions or outcomes resulting from the use of this content. Before we dive in, I want you to know this is a safe space. I'm not here as someone who has it all figured out. I'm just a man willing to speak his truth. And if you carry any scars, welcome home.

Naming Who I Refuse To Be

Ty 1:27

I want to slow this episode down before we go any further. Not to explain anything, but to be honest about where I am. After naming the man I refused to become, I didn't suddenly feel strong. I felt exposed in a quiet way. Like I had taken off armor I didn't realize I'd been wearing for such a long time. And what I'm learning is that that space that opens after the awareness can feel extremely uncomfortable. Not because something is wrong, but because something familiar is gone. So if this episode feels slower, if it feels unfinished, that's pretty intentional. This is what it sounds like when you're learning how to pause instead of perform. So if you've been listening to the Scar Sons episode, our format here is question based. These questions allow me to flow through my experiences, through the dialogue, and kind of keeps me on track. With these topics, speaking about feelings, feelings and emotions, you can easily run off into tangents and kind of go off on things, especially when you're in your healing journey. I have questions that I'll go through today that'll speak to the pause that I've taken before turning the corner and realizing the man I do not want to become. And if you haven't listened to episode six, I named some things I'm no longer willing to become. Not as accusations, just as lines I'm not crossing anymore. Which is a great episode that I recommend you go back and listen to if you haven't already. But I will name them out right now. These are things that I refuse to become. A man who is emotionally absent but physically present. A man who shuts down instead of speaking honestly. A man who leads with anger, control, or silence, a man who normalizes harm because it's familiar. A man who uses his past as an excuse to stop growing. A man who passes unresolved pain forward. A man who disappears when things get uncomfortable. And a man who mistakes isolation for peace. After naming all of that in my last episode, something in me expecting expected something to change. And to my surprise, it's what changed wasn't going to be my life. It was more so going to be my awareness about the things that has happened in my

What Actually Changed: Awareness

Ty 3:44

life. So with that, the question is the very first question of this pod, what actually changed for me after I named the man I refused to become? Ultimately, nothing changed. But what did become even more and more prominent is my awareness. My awareness, after me speaking out loudly about the things I refused to become, I became more aware in those instances of me carrying out those behaviors and also taking some time to reflect on those scenarios and situations that I no longer want to repeat. If anything, the biggest thing that changed was my alertness and awareness to those exact refusal items I

The Discomfort Of Saying No

Ty 4:28

listed out. Question number two: what feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable now that I'm not reacting the old way? I would say the biggest thing is what feels the most uncomfortable for me right now is after I say no or decide no on the situation, adding on to that, not offering any explanation to my decision and then trusting my decision and not taking it back. In the past, I've kind of gone back and forth on this, trying to learn the level of confidence that I to tap into to be able to say no, not in a harsh way, but to say no, mean my no and not let that person influence me because now they're not going to respect the boundary of my no if they know how to influence me back into saying yes. And I was easily influenced back into saying yes for many different things. And so now when you're finally turning that corner and and and wanting to be more respectful of yourself and your own boundaries, saying no can be extremely difficult. And especially saying no with no explanation. But the funny thing is, as I reflect on this very thing, this very action, this very situation, every time it comes up, the more I start to explain, that person doesn't even have to influence me any longer because it's like when you, or for me, I'll speak to me. If I go in the store, I can easily talk myself out of purchasing an item before I make it to the cash register. You know, I'll bring up all of these scenarios, and even if I could afford it, even you know, if if finances was not an issue on this day or this period of my life, sometimes it was difficult for me to go through with the purchase because I was thinking of all the other things I had to do. I say that as a example that the longer I give myself to explain something, or if I even open up the door, I'm telling you no, and I'm gonna explain to you. I'm more likely to at some point in my thought process to back up and figure out a way to fulfill this request and to continue on to my schedule while letting it be a burden to me and not saying anything to the person. That would be unfamiliar and uncomfortable reaction right now that I don't want to go back to the old way. And so it's just new. The more I do it, I will say the more confidence I've gotten to be able to say no again in the future. Question number three What does the pause look like for me now before I speak, react, or shut down?

Practicing The Pause In Marriage

Ty 6:51

Most of this I can say that I can actually speak to after saying, Hey, I'm gonna refuse to become this, has been in my marriage, I will say. And that is before I'm flying off the handle, I try my best to get understanding first. Because in a lot of situations, it's what I don't understand. I'm not in my wife's mind, I'm not my wife. We don't think alike, we don't communicate the same. Personality types are typically different. They ultimately complement each other with understanding. What I've learned to train myself to do is pause just keeps coming up. I don't mean to keep saying pause, but I know it's the title of the episode, but it it essentially is the phase in which I'm in right now. So to pause, think before I react, think before I speak. And if I don't have enough information to pause long enough to not let my emotions take over to be able to ask questions that will help me understand the thought process andor whatever else is in this equation that's helping my wife make a decision or make a statement or whatever the case may be. But I'm learning to first ask effective questions to help me understand and sometimes direct questions to understand what's at hand, what we're talking about, what the situation is, what the question is, what the statement is, so that I can properly answer that without answering it in an emotional state, and more importantly, not answering that as the scarred son, but the growing adult male that I am, expressing or putting into action my emotional intelligence and my therapy strategies to not be triggered in each of these moments and to allow myself to know that this is a safe space, but I do need more information before I react and to know that to train my mind that hey tie, just get get some more information first, get some more information first, just get some more information first before you react, before you change your demeanor, before you let any of the blood flow emect effect any of the emotions that may come out of this, ask another question first. Question number four When do I feel pulled back toward the man I said I refused to be? I don't ever

Pull Of The Old Self And Structure

Ty 9:06

feel like I'm being completely pulled back. I do feel little nudges of him saying, Hey, come back and come back into this body, come back into the child body. But my training, the more I talk about my past traumas and learn how to navigate through with strategies and my accountability partners, my therapists, it gets really easy. Now I can see if I didn't have that structure or if I didn't have these things in my life where it could, you know, no one's really checking me to keep me going forward. And so in that case, I can see how you can easily be pulled and grabbed back. My environment has changed, the people I'm around has changed, the things I encounter has changed, the things I decide to be a part of have all changed. It's more beneficial for me to be able to open up to new things and new ideas and new strategies and new ways of life because I've really separated from a lot of things that I was once around. So I have less temptation to be pulled back because everything around me is kind of going forward. And I understand it might sound too perfect or like it can't all just be going right because on the last pod you said you were gonna refuse to be this person, and now you're just you hit a switch and now you're just that new person. It's not that I definitely have the trigger, I definitely have the little boy wanting to jump out when you surround yourself with the things that I do have that I just named, it becomes more easier because you got all these mirrors that you're looking at. You know, everyone around you is holding up a mirror and you're seeing yourself. I'm talking to my wife, but I'm seeing myself. I'm talking to my therapist, I'm seeing myself, and talking to my bro, I'm seeing myself. You can't escape that. And you know where you came from, and you know what you once did, and you know what you got from that result. So something has to change if you want a different result. And so I'm just leaning more into the different different result, leaning more into not allowing these things to overtake me. For example, the no, the saying no, the saying, hey, I don't want to do this, and letting it be. The first time I did that, it was scary. Oh man, I don't know if I can go through with this. Like my in my internal self is going haywire. You know, outside of that, I've always been able to maintain my composure, but yeah, I was so close to going back and saying, Oh no, okay, I'll do it. But the one when you do that, it's like building a house. You put one brick up, you put another brick, you put another brick down. As you go through with these decisions and new ways of life, it opens up doors for that you can walk into that you feel more confident in being you in this world, and so you want to keep pouring into that. It's like when you're investing, you drop a little bit in there, that doesn't really change your world, but you drop more in there. Let me just direct deposit this thing and see what's gonna happen in a year. Well, the more deposits you make, and you're not continuously taking away from it by going backwards or putting yourself back in other scenarios, back in other situations that provoke the little kid in you to come right back. The more you can keep that away, the more you can embrace the new things that life has to offer, the more you can be open to new strategies and ways of life, the quicker those deposits are going in and you're not touching it, it appreciates you get that compound interest that we all want. That's exactly what I'm experiencing now. So I'm less likely to go back and revert because I've seen what making these hard decisions and choices, I seen that benefit. I received some of that benefit. I want more of that benefit, so I know I can't go backwards. Let's go ahead and wrap up with this. And question four, you know, we just went over when I when I do feel pulled back toward that that man I said I refuse to be. Let's end on this. I just want to say something

For The Scarred Son Without Support

Ty 12:53

to a scarred son out there that may not have tools or the same tools that I have currently. May not have a wife, may not have a therapist, may not have a brother or a village that is supportive of him wanting to be different or grow into a different version of himself, an evolved version of himself. I want to speak to you. I know I named a lot of tools and resources that I do have, but honestly, even if I didn't have them, the one main thing here is me, which is you. So, yes, I can have all of these resources, but if I don't do the work myself, it's not gonna happen. My therapist can't make me go do and become somebody else. My wife can't make me or force me to be somebody that I'm not. All of this is internal. And so I want you to understand it's starting with you. Until you show up for yourself, until you can know that you want better for yourself, until you know what is better for you, until you have an understanding of these things, it's gonna be difficult. If you don't want the change, no one can make you have the change or force the change upon you. You have to want it internally. All that being said, this starts with you. It is it is your life, it is your journey, it is your way. And if you don't like some of those things, maybe time to think about some things, maybe time to think about some strategies. And a therapist is very important. Supporting people in your corner, very important to help you maintain this change. But initially, you you can do a lot without all of those. You can get you a pen and a pad and write down your feelings if you don't feel comfortable expressing them to someone, and you can go through your traumas and and write them out to get them out of you. Go get into some nature, go for a walk or for a bike ride, do something out in nature where you have complete peace. There's no one talking over you or instilling fear into your new ideas. It's just you. And understand you can get to any any level that you want in your healing journey or dealing with your traumas, overcoming your traumas, and becoming the version of you that you that you know you already are, that you know you have the access to be. And then you need to just tap into that until you can get the support system that will help you maintain that. It all starts with you anyway. There's a lot you can do within your own power right now. So don't put so much pressure if you are about what you need to get before you can be something. Just start with you. I don't know exactly who I'm becoming yet.

Choosing Presence Without Certainty

Ty 15:12

I just know there are parts of me I'm no longer willing to lead from. And for a long time, I thought growth meant replacing one version of myself with a better one. What I'm realizing now is that sometimes growth looks like staying present, even when there's no clear identity to step into next. I'm learning how to stay with myself instead of escaping discomfort, how to pause without disappearing, how to choose presence without needing certainty. And if you're listening to this and you feel like you're somewhere in between who you were and who you don't yet know how to be, you're not behind, you're not failing, you might just be learning how to stay. And right now, that feels like enough. I'll see you in the next episode. Peace and love, y'all.

Closing Reflections And Callouts

Ty 16:01

Thank you for joining me on the Scarred Sons podcast. Remember, every scar tells a story, and every story has the power to inspire growth. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to reach out and share your journey. Don't forget to stay up to date with the podcast by liking, commenting, and subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also follow us on Instagram at ScarredPeriod Sons for more content and updates. Until next time, keep moving forward, keep healing, and remember scars don't define you, they shape you. Stay strong, and I'll see you in the next episode. Peace.